Gary Johnston: We’re dicks! We’re reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors
Guild are pussies. And Kim Jong Il is an asshole. Pussies don’t like dicks, because
pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes: assholes that just want
to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But
the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with
dicks is: they fuck too much or fuck when it isn’t appropriate – and it takes a pussy
to show them that. But sometimes, pussies can be so full of shit that they become
assholes themselves… because pussies are an inch and half away from ass holes. I
don’t know much about this crazy, crazy world, but I do know this: If you don’t let
us fuck this asshole, we’re going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit!
Spottswoode: Remember, there is no “I” in “Team America”.
Intelligence: [pause] Yes, there is.
Gary Johnston: Oh, I get it. I’m supposed to get in your car and let you put your
finger inside me. Then if I go down on you I get a movie part.
Spottswoode: Please, Gary, I’m not from Hollywood. I’m not going to fuck your mouth
and my time is extremely valuable.
Gary Johnston: Jesus, this is a nice limo.
Spottswoode: Yes, it is. Now suck my cock.
Spottswoode: From what I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.N.C.E has gathered, it would be 9/11 times
Gary Johnston: 9/11 times a hundred? Jesus, that’s…
Spottswoode: Yes, 91,100.
Chris: Basically, all the worst parts of the bible.
Spottswoode: Go get’em, cowboy.
Chris: All right, we fuckin’ did it.
Spottswoode: Great job, team. Head back to base for debriefing and cocktails.
Lisa: Gary, you didn’t kill your brother. Those gorillas did.
Kim Jong Il: I was sent from pranet Xiron to conquer the Earf / I had a twiffic pran
– I thought it would work / I tried to get the Earfrings all to kill each other, y’see
/ But it all went wrong and now I must decree / You are worthress Arec Bardwin / You
are worthress Arec Bardwin / You have faiwred in every way / and now my stock in you
has fawren / Your career is stawrin’ / and you’re worthress Arec Bardwin / That’s
why I brew your head off / And your chirdren are all bawrin’ / Pranet Xiron is inhabited
with Xipods rike me / But arso with Balmacs who are giant bees / The Xipods and the
Balmacs are at constant war / So we wanted a new home and that’s what Earf was for
/ But you are worthress Arec Bardwin / You are worthress Arec Bardwin / You fucked
up my whole plan / and now Xiron is smeared with Balmac porren / Your garbage needs
some hawring / and you’re worthress Arec Bardwin / Now I must return home a faiwrure
/ I’m afraid the pit of Cryrock is cawrin’.
Helen Hunt: Let’s go, bitch. I’ve done action films!
Spottswoode: Team, this is all my fault. I was overzealous in Cairo. I let racism
cloud my judgment. I was so sure the ultimate terrorist was Middle Eastern, but I
didn’t realize he was a goddamn Gook. I’ll never be a racist again.
French puppeteer: Sacre bleu!
French puppeteer: Oh, hello!
French Mother: Jean-Francois? Jean-Francois?
Gary Johnston: I’m leaving. I’m out.
Spottswoode: No, Gary! You can’t leave! We need you now, more than ever!
Gary Johnston: Don’t you see what’s going on out there? Everyone hates us!
Spottswoode: Hey, now, everyone hated Winnie the Pooh, too.
Gary Johnston: No, they didn’t!
Spottswoode: Well, I did. That cocksucking bear killed Jack Kennedy!
News Reporter: Team America has once again pissed off the entire world by blowing
up half of Cairo
Carson: “The Terrorist” is getting away with the WMD.
Joe: I got him
[fires a rocket at the terrorist, it misses and hit’s the Eiffel Tower causing it
Joe: Damn, I missed him!
Chris: [not moving] I was nineteen years old when the musical Cats came to our town.
[Gary stops and listens]
Chris: I couldn’t wait to see it. After the show I was asked if I wanted to go meet
some of the performers backstage. Man, I was thrilled. But when I got back there,
they were drunk and out of control. Rumpus Cat and Macavity kept feeling up my leg.
I tried to leave, but, Rumpleteazer held me down, and… I was raped by Mr. Mistoffelees.
Chris: Let’s get one thing straight, actor. I don’t trust you. And if you betray us,
I’ll rip your fucking balls off and stuff them up your ass so that the next time you
shit, you’ll shit all over your balls, got it?
Gary Johnston: What’s your problem with me?
Chris: Yeah, you wanna go?
Joe: Guys, guys, guys! Don’t you see this is just what the terrorists want us to do?
The war is out there, man! Out there! Now, pull it together!
Kim Jong Il: Do you have any idea how fucking busy I am?
Kim Jong Il: Now you see, the changing of the worrd is inevitabre!
Lisa: I’m sorry, it’s what?
Kim Jong Il: Inevit, inevitabre.
Lisa: One more time.
Kim Jong Il: [shouts] Inevitebre! Jesus Christ, open your fucking ears!
Joe: Cairo… that’s in Egypt.
Gary Johnston: OK, a limosine that can fly. Now I have seen everything.
Spottswoode: Really? Have you seen a man eat his own head?
Gary Johnston: No.
Spottswoode: So then, you haven’t seen everything.
Kim Jong Il: I’m so Ronery / So ronery / So ronery and sadry arone / There’s no one
/ Just me onry / Sitting on my rittle throne / I work very hard to be number one guy
/ but, stiwr there’s no one to right up my rife / Seems rike no one takes me serirousry
/ And so, I’m ronery / A rittle ronery / Poor rittle me / There’s no one I can rerate
to / Feewr rike a biwd in a cage / It’s kinda siwry / but, not reawry / because, it’s
fiwring my body with rage / I’m the smartest, most crever, most physicawry fit / but,
none of the women seem to give a shit / Maybe someday, they’wr awr notice me / And
untiwr then, I’wr be ronery / Yeah, a rittle ronery / Poor rittle me…
Samuel L. Jackson: Motha Fucka!
Chris: I’ll drill two holes through your dick so that when you pee it shoots out in
all different directions.
Guy in Bar: See, there’s three kinds of people: dicks, pussies, and assholes. Pussies
think everyone can get along, and dicks just want to fuck all the time without thinking
it through. But then you got your assholes, Chuck. And all the assholes want us to
shit all over everything! So, pussies may get mad at dicks once in a while, because
pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes, Chuck. And if they didn’t
fuck the assholes, you know what you’d get? You’d get your dick and your pussy all
covered in shit!
Spottswoode: Attention. Attention, everyone. All you in the audience should go to
your homes now. Your countries need you, but the world will be safe, thanks to a brilliant
actor named Gary Johnston.
[Crowd applauses as Gary kisses Lisa]
Spottswoode: Let me explain to you the kind of man Gary is. He’s a man who knows that
when you put another man’s cock in your mouth, you make a pact. A bond that cannot
be broken. He’s a man so dedicated that he will get down on his knees and put that
cock right in his mouth.
Tim Robbins: Let me explain to you how this works: you see, the corporations finance
Team America, and then Team America goes out… and the corporations sit there in
their… in their corporation buildings, and… and, and see, they’re all corporation-y…
and they make money.
Kim Jong Il: It will be 911 times 2356.
Chris: My God, that’s… I don’t even know what that is!
Kim Jong Il: Nobody does!
Lisa: Sometimes… believing is all we have.
song: [“End of an Act”] I miss you more than Michael Bay missed the mark, When he
made Pearl Harbor. / I miss you more than that movie missed the point, And that’s
an awful lot, girl. / And now, now you’ve gone away, And all I’m trying to say, is:
Pearl Harbor sucked and I miss you. / I need you like Ben Affleck needs acting school,
He was terrible in that film. / I need you like Cuba Gooding needed a bigger part,
He’s way better than Ben Affleck. / And now, all I can think about is your smile,
and that shitty movie, too! Pearl Harbor sucked and I miss you. / Why does Michael
Bay get to keep on making movies? / I guess Pearl Harbor sucked, just a little bit
more than I miss you.
Kim Jong Il: Now you see, the new world is inevitable.
Lisa: It’s what?
Kim Jong Il: Inevit – inevitable.
Lisa: One more time?
Kim Jong Il: Inevitable! Things are inevitably going to change! Goddamnit, open your
Gary Johnston: Your skills are fading with age, Mrs. Sarandon.
Susan Sarandon: You will die a peasant’s death!
Gary Johnston: [Gary sees the limo] Oh, I get it. I’m supposed to get inside your
limo and let you put your finger inside me. And if I go down on you, I get a movie
Spottswoode: Uh, no. I just want to show you something.
Gary Johnston: Yeah I bet you do.
Spottswoode: Please, Gary. I’m not from Hollywood, I’m not going to fuck your mouth,
and my time is EXTREMELY valuable!
[Gary gets in the limo]
Gary Johnston: I had to come back. C’mon team, let’s go!
Joe: Wait a second, can we really trust you?
Chris: Yeah, why the fuck should we trust you, you douchebag?
Kim Jong Il: Hans Brix? Oh no! Oh, herro. Great to see you again, Hans!
Hans Blix: Mr. Il, I was supposed to be allowed to inspect your palace today, but
your guards won’t let me enter certain areas.
Kim Jong Il: Hans, Hans, Hans! We’ve been frew this a dozen times. I don’t have any
weapons of mass destwuction, OK Hans?
Hans Blix: Then let me look around, so I can ease the UN’s collective mind. I’m sorry,
but the UN must be firm with you. Let me in, or else.
Kim Jong Il: Or else what?
Hans Blix: Or else we will be very angry with you… and we will write you a letter,
telling you how angry we are.
Kim Jong Il: OK, Hans. I’ll show you. Stand to your reft.
Hans Blix: [Moves to the left]
Kim Jong Il: A rittle more.
Hans Blix: [Moves to the left again]
Kim Jong Il: Good.
[Opens up trap, Hans falls in]
Spottswoode: That was bad I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E., very bad I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.
Gary Johnston: HOLY SHIT! What happened to the base?
Intelligence: It was destroyed by a socialist weasel.
Joe: One of the terrorists is trying to tell us something.
[looks through binoculars]
Gary Johnston: [waving the distress signal towards Joe and Chris] It’s me! It’s me!
Joe: Looks like he’s saying, “Kiss me! Kiss me!”
Chris: Smart-ass motherfucker!
[fires missile at terrorist jeep]
Kim Jong Il: [gibberish]
Translator: My lord said that if you did not understand what he said, then his translator
translated it wrong, and that he should… fire his translator?
[Kim Jong Il shoots the Translator in the head]
Chris: Surprise, cockfags!
Tim Robbins: Actors!
Tim Robbins: Attack!
Helen Hunt: Helen Hunt!
Samuel L. Jackson: Samuel Jackson!
Matt Damon: Matt Damon!
song: The hour’s approaching to give it your best / And you’ve got to reach your prime
/ That’s when you need to put yourself to the test / And show us the passage of time
/ We’re gonna need a montage / Ooh, it takes a montage / Show a lot of things happening
at once / Remind everyone of what’s going on / In every shot, show a little improvement
/ To show it all would take too long / That’s called a montage / Girl, we want a montage
/ In anything, if you want to go / From just a beginner to a pro / You need a montage
/ Even Rocky had a montage / Always fade out in a montage / If you fade out it seems
like more time has passed in a montage…
Spottswoode: Gary, if for some reason your cover is blown, and the terrorists take
you prisoner, well, you’ll probably want to take your own life. Here, you’d better
[hands Gary a hammer]
Kim Jong Il: [to terrorists on a giant monitor] Who’s responsibre for browing up Panama?
Terrorist: We were upset about Cairo.
Kim Jong Il: Goddamnit, how many times do I have to tehr you? You don’t use the WMDs
untihr you see the signahr! I have worked ten years on this pran! It is a very precise,
and a compricated pran! I am sick of you terrorists fucking it up! Now take the weapons
where I tord you and wait for the *goddamn* signahr this time! Goodbye!
[shuts off monitor, and cools down]
Kim Jong Il: Why is everyone so fucking stupid?
Terrorist: What do you know?
Gary Johnston: I heard there might be a large terrorist attack. If you tell me what
it is, maybe I could help out.
Terrorist: Get out of here! We have put out a jihad on the infidels because they destroyed
our lives. What do you know about pain and sadness?
[Gary pauses, recalls sounds of gorillas roaring]
Gary Johnston: I was just a boy when the infidels came to my village in their Blackhawk
helicopters. The infidels fired at the oil fields and they lit up like the eyes of
Allah. Burning oil rained down from the sky and cooked everything it touched. I could
only hide myself and cry as my goats were consumed by the fiery black liquid death.
In the midst of the chaos, I could swear that I heard my goats screaming for help.
As quickly as they had come, the infidels were gone. It was on that day I put a jihad
on them. And if you don’t believe it, then you’d better kill me now, because I’ll
put a jihad on you, too.
Terrorist: I like you. You have balls. I like balls.
Gary Johnston: Bak. Derk-derk-Allah. Derka derka, Mohammed Jihad. Baka sherpa-sherpa.
Terrorist: Ohhh! Derka derka derka!
[Allows Gary into terrorist hideout]
Joe: Shit! I’ve got five terrorists going southeast on Bakalakadaka Street!
Lisa: Hey, terrorist! Terrorize this!
Chris: If there’s a world left when this is all over, I’d like to buy you a beer.
Lisa: I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. is down! I repeat, we have no I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.!
Chris: What does Spottswoode see in him?
Lisa: I don’t know. But I think I see it too.
Sean Penn: Last year I went to Iraq. Before Team America showed up, it was a happy
place. They had flowery meadows and rainbow skies, and rivers made of chocolate, where
the children danced and laughed and played with gumdrop smiles.
Chris: If you betray us, I’ll rip your fuckin’ balls off and stuff them up your ass.
So, the next time you shit, you’ll shit all over your balls!
Spottswoode: Now hold on team, Gary has already proven to me that he is 100% committed
to the team. He proved it last night by sucking my cock.
Joe: Uh… Alright then. Let’s move.
Lisa: Gary, you can’t blame yourself for what gorillas did.
Gary Johnston: But, I thought you weren’t gay?
Spottswoode: This isn’t about sex, Gary, it’s about trust!
Joe: You remember the signal?
Gary Johnston: [waves arms like crazy]
Terrorist: You have balls. I like balls.
Spottswoode: Gary, meet Chris. He may lack in courtesy, but he’s the best martial
arts expert Detroit has to offer.
Chris: Oh, come on, Sarah, you mean you never realized Joe has feelings for you?
Gary Johnston: Oh, I get it. I’m supposed to let you put your finger in me then I
suck your cock and get a movie role!
Lisa: I’m so confused!
Lisa: It’s too early for me to be having feelings for you.
Gary Johnston: Maybe feelings are feelings because we can’t control them.
Lisa: Promise me you’ll never die.
Gary Johnston: You know I can’t promise that.
Lisa: If you did that, I would make love to you right now.
Gary Johnston: I promise I’ll never die.
Gary Johnston: Jesus, this is a nice limo.
Spottswoode: Yes, it is. Now suck my cock! Just kidding.
Matt Damon: MATT DAMON!
song: [Song] America, fuck yeah! Comin’ again to save the motherfucking day, yeah!
/ America, fuck yeah! Freedom is the only way, yeah! / Terrorists, your game is through,
’cause now you have to answer to / America, fuck yeah! So lick my butt and suck on
my balls! / America, fuck yeah! What you gonna do when we come for you now!
Lisa: [to Gary] You had me at “dicks fuck assholes”.
Lisa: Wait a minute! Look!
[a cockroach crawls out of Kim Jong-Il’s mouth and towards a spaceship]
Kim Jong Il: You have not heard the rast of Kim Jong-Il! I will return! You shall
see. I will be back!
[enters spaceship and launches out of the palace]
Kim Jong Il: So rong, Earthrings!
Gary Johnston: We’ll be here waiting for you, Kim Jong-Il!
Chris: All right, you guys. I hate to break this little party, but there are still
a lot of bad guys out there.
Gary Johnston: Well, then let’s go show the bad guys the police are back in force.
Lisa: Fuck, yeah.
Gary Johnston: Fuck, yeah.
Kim Jong Il: Why is evawyrone so fuckin’ stoopid?
Gary Johnston: We were all out at the zoo one day, I was doing some acting, walking
on the railing of the gorilla exhibit. I fell in. Everyone screamed and Tommy jumped
in after me, forgetting that he had blueberries in his front pocket. The gorillas
just went wild. They jumped all over his body and threw him around like a rag doll
to get to those blueberries. One gorilla would throw him to another gorilla who tossed
him to another. Everyone panicked and cried out for somebody to help but it was too
late. The gorillas beat him to death before the zookeepers could gas them all.
Alec Baldwin: By following the rules of the Film Actor’s Guild, the world can become
a better place; that handles dangerous people with talk, and reasoning; that, is the
fag way. One day you’ll all look at the world us actors created and say, “wow, good
going, fag. You really made the world a better place, didntcha, fag?”
Tim Robbins: We’re guarrrrrrrds!
Janeane Garofolo: As actors, it is our responsibility to read the newspapers, and
then say what we read on television like it’s our own opinion.